Wishful Thinking

You’ve just arrived in an alternate universe…everything is perfect here — you’ve left the political and financial disasters behind, back in that wretched place we like to call “reality.” We hope you’ve had a safe and pleasurable flight, here is your welcome gift of $300 trillion dollars and the keys to your private villa. Your chauffeur is pulling the Maybach around to the front as we speak.

Alright, now that we’ve set up where you are…Ryan and I often make insanely ridiculous predictions about the Yankees, mainly to see who can be more over-the-top. We thought maybe you’d like to get a glimpse into some of the crazier things that will never happen unless we really were in an alternate universe and were the proud owners of a Maybach and a private villa, so please join us in the insanity and help us dream even bigger in the comments.

So let’s get this show on the road with Alternate Universe Outlandishly Insane But Utterly Captivating Yankee Predictions for the 2009 season.

Ryan: I’ll start out with something nice and easy. In CC Sabathia’s first home start of the season he pitches a perfect game, while the Yankees score a healthy 10 runs – including back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back homers from Jeter, Texieira, Rodriguez, Matsui, and Posada in the first inning. Jeter’s homer is a two run blast since Damon’s first hit in the new stadium is a leadoff triple.

Joe: Ouch, that’s tough to follow up. One thing about that game though… you forgot to mention that during the top of the 5th inning CC will have a 600′ long Chicken Parmesan sub-sandwich delivered to Yankee Stadium and he’ll distribute it to the fans at 97 mph. He instantly wins the hearts and minds of every fan. A-Rod will think to himself “why didn’t my PR team think of that?”

Ryan: Fortunately for A-Rod, he’ll be putting up numbers throughout the season and playoffs that more than compensate for his PR team and their admittedly impossible job of making him look like a good person. With a line of 150/140/52/.325/.452/.670 , he’ll be the most blatantly ignored MVP candidate in the history of professional baseball. However, his October numbers will prove to be impossible to shrug off, and with 5 homeruns and 13 RBIs in the Yanks’ World Series sweep over the Mets, he’ll be named World Series MVP … much to the chagrin of about 90% of the world.

Joe: Yes A-Rod will be World Series MVP, but his Regular season performance will be overshadowed by Joba Chamberlain. Joba will not only win the Cy Young, but also the MVP. He will please  the people clamoring for him in the bullpen and those who want him to start—by doing both. He’ll throw every 5 games, but also come in on his off days in the 8th. He will not give up one earned run all year, and allow only 20 men to reach base. And in a career defining moment, he will throw an 81 pitch, 27 strikeout perfect game in Fenway Park. Boston will later burn to the ground in the ensuing riots. Kevin Youkilis will whine something about Joba cheating and the next day in the 8th Joba will throw a scorching fastball at his chin, taking off Youk’s favorite hair follicle—he’ll still whine after the game. Joba will also take up the task of DHing on his off days and will hit for himself when he pitches, allowing someone to DH for Garnder in Center. Joba’s hitting prowess comes by way of intimidation, getting cookie fastball after cookie fastball because the pitchers will know if they don’t feed Joba the meaty fastballs he requires, he will be more likely throw at their hitters.

Ryan: This season’s performances by A-Rod and Joba won’t just happen arbitrarily either – no, they’ll be inspired to play amazing baseball. Their motivation? Mr. Derek Sanderson Jeter, The Captain of the New York Yankees. After not reaching the playoffs for the first time in his major league career, the Torre book, and the A-Rod fiasco, Derek Jeter has changed. A new, darker DJ will emerge from the ashes of the old dynasty, and alter the way both he and the Yankees as a whole will be perceived. No longer will he tolerate the media’s constant nuisances – Ask about A-Rod? He’ll cut out your tongue. Cano doesn’t show hustle on a routine play? Expect to see some teeth missing the next we see that wide smile of his. The Captain will have given in to his anger, and this club will have an “eff you” attitude not seen before – imagine a combination of the 1986 Mets, the Philadelphia Flyers of the mid 1970s, and the 2007 New England Patriots – that is the type of attitude that this team will have, and Derek Jeter will be its violent heart.

Joe: And finally, NYC will be attacked by Mothra (since we are in an alternate universe and we’re talking about the Yankees, Mothra is bad and Godzilla is good). Kei Igawa’s sunglasses are the only known material that can defend against Mothra’s triple prismatic beams, so he springs into action. They will have an battle that last for a week and he defeats her. Humanity will live on and prosper. Igawa will recover from the numerous injuries he sustains during the week-long battle, but will never play baseball again. Shards of his sunglasses get put on permanent display in Washington. Fans of living rejoice because they get to keep on living without fear of Mothra, and fans of the Yankees join in because Igawa will never pitch again.

So there you have it our Alternate Universe Outlandishly Insane But Utterly Captivating Yankee Predictions for the 2009 season. We’d like to thank you for putting up with our insanity, but also ask you join in and comment below.

- Joe G. and Ryan S.